Enough of this whining!

As a mentally ill person, I have no trouble finding things that piss me off. However, is this the sort of focus I want to have, and should have? "Look at the bright side!" seems like one of those smarmy, "self-help" sayings that DON'T help, right? Well, that is negative too. I've decided that I am going to try and find one thing, at least, that makes me happy every day.

Today, it is food! LOL. No, seriously. We've had some hard times around here, and the cupboards have been pretty bare, kinda like the Grinch had been to visit.  Thanks to Christmas dinner, we are stuffed with food! Not just in our bellies, but the fridge is chock full of things to eat! I am so excited that for a week or so I will not have to look plaintively into the fridge and wonder what I can throw together for lunch! Yay.

And speaking of food, the "homemade" bread (from frozen dough you buy at the story, but very yummy!) was just as lovely as toast as I thought it would be! Of course, real butter and a light sprinkling of Cinnamon/Splenda didn't hurt at all.

OK, here's something that pisses me off after all.

I hate when people say they are coming and then don't get in touch. So here you are, sitting there with anxiety and worry that you don't need, wondering.  If you have BPD like me, you are nearly in tears, just WAITING AND WONDERING. What is the damn point of that?

Not Pissed Tonight, Just Sharing--Borderline Personality Disorder DSM IV Criteria and Information

Borderline Personality Disorder DSM IV Criteria

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:  
  1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
  2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
  3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
  4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
  5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
  6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
  7. chronic feelings of emptiness
  8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
  9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a chronic, debilitating biological disorder affecting the limbic system of the brain that controls emotions. People with BPD have difficulty regulating their emotions. Thus BPD is also known as emotional regulation disorder (ERD).¹ Since the BPD is a medical disorder, proper medications must come before therapy.

• 2% of adults have this disorder.
• 20% present in psychiatric hospitals.
• 11% in outpatient clinics.

The term BPD was coined during a time when little was known about this disorder. This name does not describe the disorder accurately and a new name needs to take it's place. Emotional regulation disorder is very commonly used along with emotional intensity disorder.

And lastly, a really neat article: http://www.borderlinepersonalitytoday.com/main/art1.htm

People who cannot just take what is freely given.

My mom pushes. She cannot take what you freely offer. She has to push for more, whether it is more cleaning, more tutoring, more sympathy.....  MORE, MORE, MORE!!!! WHY does she do that?!!!!! Grrr!

Not exactly pissed tonight.... more moderately peeved.

Probably medical science can't really do much for arthritis, but I wouldn't freaking know, due to lack of insurance.  I am hurting, swollen, and practically incapacitated. I wish I could afford to see a doctor. I think health care should be provided to everyone. If that makes me a communist, or a socialist, so be it. I'd be glad to work and get insurance if that was possible. No one will hire me. Losing weight would help. I'm trying, and I know this.  I try to keep moving, on the "Bigmom said keep moving or you'll get 'stove up'" principle.  

That's pretty much it. Sick and tired. How original.

The face of evil.......

I have little to say tonight. I am pissed about several things, many of which do not have to do with me. But I will say people need to stop fucking with my friends. I don't LIKE it, and I wish a couple of people would fall down and hurt their knees tonight. I can handle that much karma. 

Before those people, significant others of people I care deeply about, pissed me off, I'd only intended to make a brief entry anyway.  I'm going to try and get some sleep. 

A word about the face of evil.  I think it looks a lot like you and me, but inside it lurks the sexual predator. The sexually motivated signature killer, commonly referred to as a serial killer, yes agreed.  Those men, for they are mostly men, deserve death, for the good of society. But I think there is another brand of evil that equally deserves death.  ANYONE WHO COMMITS ANY SEXUAL ACT WITH A PRE-PUBESCENT CHILD (who is not another child near that child's age). One can argue semantics of the age of consent about a teenager, and willingness or lack thereof. HOWEVER, a child prior to puberty is not truly a sexual being UNLESS he or she sees the face of evil, often in the form of someone supposed to love and care for him or her.  These people destroy children's childhoods, and cripple their emotional lives FOREVER. Therapy can only do so much for these little victims, and it can do NOTHING for the vile perpetrators. These rabid dogs should be put out of OUR misery. Even castration is too good for them.  

Lying McLiarpants, or Am I Just an Idiot?

On my old blog, I posted an excellent entry asking why it is that men only have a passing acquaintance with the truth.  I know that I should not assume anything about EVERYONE, or even every man. When I meet an honest man, I will possibly accept his existence.  If he's got, you know, like a pulse and a driver's license, and is, in fact, a verifiable human, and not an elf or something. My good friend, Micheal Mann (NOT the director!), seems to be an honest man. In grade school, I learned that exceptions prove the rule.

This entry's mental health fact: BPD is focused on relationships, and my particular obsession is one that many millions of "normal" people share, that of finding a significant other.  However, with my illness comes a terrifying fear of abandonment.

Here is, I guess, the point I am making.  I have been with 2 of the many men in my life, TWICE. Both of these men, the first time around, did some of the WORST damage to my self esteem that ANY men have ever done. However, I was willing to give them the benefit of the doubt, KNOWING that they were Lying McLiarpants, and that they had ABSOLUTELY no compunction about hurting me. This is the ultimate case of "fool me twice, shame on ME!" because, of course, predictably, BOTH of them screwed me over again.  

What I thought was a rant at the mendacity of men, has become a wondering question, instead. Of course, I am not supposed to hold what these men did against ALL men, but against THEMSELVES?  I certainly should have. Trust should be earned, and those who betray it once will surely do so again. How far am I willing to go to earn the love of someone, regardless of whether they are worthy of me. Hopefully, not this far, ever again. 

What in the hell am I blogging about?

I have no idea what I used to blog about. Well that is not entirely true, I could get on my Live Journal, and see. It still exists, after all. The question should be why start a new blog, when I share my entire life on Facebook daily. 

I'm thinking I may vent here. Just plain complain, about anything that is bothering me that day.  I guess this is a warning. I currently only have one follower, and she listens to me complain ALL THE TIME, but if anyone else wanders by, this should serve as a heads-up. THERE WILL BE WHINING OF EPIC PROPORTIONS!!!!!

So, what's bothering Jenx today?

What you maybe need to know to understand this entry is that I am mentally ill.  I have Borderline Personality Disorder. If you have an interest: http://www.bpdcentral.com/, these are very helpful people.  Long diagnosis short, it's kind of like having second degree burns all over, only emotionally. 


What pisses me off today is the lack of available mental health care for the uninsured. Did I mention that includes me? If you are homeless you can get help, but otherwise, you are pretty well screwed. The process of LOOKING for help is incredibly tedious, and I can only assume having to do this is even more difficult with an illness. I've never tried to do it sane, but then, I have never been sane. 


What's even sadder about this is that we've now been told we CAN get better. After YEARS of therapists refusing to work with us, and feeling hopeless, we read this: http://articles.latimes.com/. What is supposed to be hopeful is perhaps MORE depressing, because I could get better, if I could find someone to treat me. 


Where is my Dr. Wilbur?